the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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