Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
