all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
