I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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