3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
do nipples grow back?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize