You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
