Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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