Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
where are you?
Hypothermia
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
