I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
