I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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