I think my fart just growled at me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
