I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I could make wine with my vomit
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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