I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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