When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
areolas are like halos for boobs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
