sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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