Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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