I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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