Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
