You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
