I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
