I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
