It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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