That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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