so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize