She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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