I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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