dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
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ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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