Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
