I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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