i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
