i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
