The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
