he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
