??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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