Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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