??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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