TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
