I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
