Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
