I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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