i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
