It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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