census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
