Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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