I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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