My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
