Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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