I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
