My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
