I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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