I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
