The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i came on her dog
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
