I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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