he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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