I CAN MOONWALK!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This can only be settled by a dance off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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