So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
