90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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