Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
