LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
