Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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