I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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