Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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