plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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