im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
